


All That's Left of Us

by Lady_of_the_Flowers



Series: Epistles [3]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Epistolary, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 17:12:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 10,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9395165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_of_the_Flowers/pseuds/Lady_of_the_Flowers
Summary: Every letter written by Sokka and Zuko in Epistles, now collected in one place.





	1. Zuko

**Author's Note:**

> I compiled this document for my own reference & thought y'all might be interested too <3

_I usually burn my letters without sending them since I know you will never receive them, but tonight I thought, why not? At least now I can hope._

_I miss you. I miss you all the time. I wish you hadn't left. If you were still here, none of this would have happened. You would have found a way to stop it, no matter what it took. NOT that I need protection, but it would have been_   _—_

_Things are not going at all well with me. Big surprise. Uncle says I should be more patient, but I think he just says that to slow me down. He tries to undermine my progress all the time. He won’t even let me advance beyond the basic forms, and it’s been years! I know he doesn't really support me. He just doesn't understand. You would. You always did._

_But how do I really know that? It’s been such a long time, and I’m a different person now. Maybe you are too._

_I hope wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, you remember me. I hope you’re well. I love you, Mother._

_Your son._


	2. Sokka

_Hey, I know I probably shouldn’t have been reading your letter but I found your hawk in the forest a while ago with a broken wing and my sister and I healed him. I was going to keep him, since he’s actually a very good hunter, but I got into an argument with my sister and thought you should probably have him back now. Also, your letter made me think about my mom, who died when I was a kid, and I felt bad. So here you go. I hope you’re not too mad._

_S._


	3. Zuko

_You were right, you shouldn’t have gone anywhere near that letter. Of course I’m mad, who wouldn’t be? I hope, at least, that you didn’t tell your sister about it. The shame of one person knowing is enough._

_What’s worse is that you had the audacity to write back, and poorly, at that. Some people never know when to leave well enough alone._

_Besides, you would know if you read the letter properly that my mother, unlike yours, is not dead, so I don’t need your sympathy. I’m already sick to death of my uncle’s pity._


	4. Sokka

_A little thanks would be appreciated! It’s not like I had to go through all the trouble of fixing your hawk’s broken wing to return him to you, did I? My sister doesn’t know about any of this, but I don't know why you care so much, since I have no idea who you are. Besides, if you were really so mad, why write back? I didn't write out of sympathy or pity. Your letter reminded me mostly of…well, me. Sometimes I think it’s worse if they’re only gone, because then you keep wondering if they’ll come back. My dad left too, to fight in the war. I have no idea where he is, if he’s alive or dead, and I think about him every day. I ask myself if he would approve of what I'm doing, if he'd be proud. The answer isn't always yes, I'll admit. My sister and I haven't heard from him or any of the other men of our village since they set out. It's been two years and I'm getting kind of worried. But there's nothing I can do.  I never thought of writing him a letter, I didn’t know messenger hawks could find people even if they didn’t know where they were._

_S._


	5. Zuko

_Messenger hawks can’t find people they don’t know. It was a stupid idea._

_Since you told me your story, I’ll tell you (part) of mine, even though it’s none of your business. My mother left when I was a child. I wasn't a happy child by any means, and I relied on her to help me make sense of what was going on and keep me safe, but then one night I went to bed and the next morning she was gone. No one would tell me where she was. My father especially was tight-lipped. I think she came to my room that night to say goodbye but I was half-asleep and it was so long ago, it might have been a dream. I hope it wasn’t, but I’m still not sure._

_I can’t help but think she betrayed me by leaving, even if she said she was sorry, even if she said it was to protect me. Whatever her intentions were, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive her. I don't think anyone could, in my position._

_The worst part was that when she left, everyone pretended that she had never existed. It made me kind of crazy, remembering her all the time with no one to talk to. It’s easier now that I’m living with Uncle. Even if he is the most infuriating old man on earth._

_On another note, you might try to improve your handwriting. It really is awful, and I don’t have time to waste on deciphering your chicken scratch._


	6. Sokka

_I am trying. It’s not easy finding a good place to write when I’m on the road every day. Sorry about your mother, that sounds rough. What you said about betrayal got me thinking. I already forgive my father for what happened. I miss him too much to stay mad. Even though he left me to fend for myself, and in charge of our whole village, when I was only twelve, I know he did it for the right reasons. I only wish I could have joined him. It's just—I could have helped. I shouldn't have been left behind. I shouldn't have had to grow up without him.  Sometimes I wonder what I’m like compared to other people who still had someone around to help them, as you said, make sense of things. Like maybe I could have turned out very differently. About your mother…even if it was just a dream, at least it was a nice dream, right? At least you got to say goodbye. I never had the chance. My mother died during a raid, and I was so caught up trying to help my father defend our village that I just…I didn’t even know she was in danger. My sister was the last person to see her alive, and that’s hard for her, but sometimes I wish I had something, you know? Some last memory. It's my own selfish fault that I don't. Anyway, so you live with your uncle? Where’s your dad?_

_S._


	7. Zuko

_You’re not from the Fire Nation, are you? I should have known. We have much higher standards of education here. Are you from one of the colonies, or…? Why do you keep writing to me? This whole situation is ridiculous._

_Does your sister know? If she did, would she call you a traitor?_

_Mine would. Fortunately, she’ll never know, and I’m already in dishonor so there isn’t much she can do to me anymore. Still, I wouldn’t put it past her to try. To answer your question, my father and I never really got along, which was more my fault than his. We had a fight when I was thirteen and I ~~failed him~~  was sent away. My uncle took me in. He’s an annoying old busybody but he’s been good to me. I can admit that much here, even if I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of telling him._

_Look, I’m sorry about your parents. I could tell you the usual things about the price of war and the just fate of colonials who resist our rule, but you almost certainly don’t want to hear it. And I don’t want to say it. If my calculations are correct, I’m only a couple years older than you, so I can guarantee I had nothing to do with what happened, but if you don’t want to keep writing that's fine._


	8. Sokka

_It’s not my sister’s business who I write to. Even if you are Fire Nation scum. No offence. It’s good to have someone my age to talk to, I guess. Gives me something to think about. Why do you keep writing to me? Our village was recently attacked and nearly destroyed, but never colonized. I know that I, at least, would rather die than have the Fire Nation flag hang from our walls. We still had to leave, though. My sister and I are refugees, I guess you could say, traveling with a friend in the Earth Kingdom. You must miss your home a lot, too. I don’t know how what happened could be your fault, though, if you were only thirteen. Your dad sounds really unfair. After all, aren’t parents supposed to forgive us, even when no one else will? But what do I know…Your sister sounds like a nightmare. Seriously, what is wrong with your family? My sister is too, kind of. We fight all the time, about everything, but I don’t know what I’d do without her. The real problem with her is that even though I’m older, I can’t seem to keep her out of trouble. She just won’t listen to me, and it drives me crazy. When Dad left, he made me responsible for her safety, but neither she nor our friend seem to respect me at all. I guess it’s because I’m not a bender. Are you a non-bender too?_

_S._


	9. Zuko

_Don’t pass judgment on things you know nothing about. My father is a great man, but I dishonored him and our whole family with my weakness. What happened is entirely my fault. If I’d stayed at home, he would have continued to be embarrassed by me. I needed to learn how to work harder and be a better son. And I am learning. Things are going to change for me soon. I can feel it._

_A few days ago, I found something that I’m sure will help me return home. It’s — my father gave me a task to prove myself with. I’ve been trying, unsuccessfully, to complete it, but now I finally have a plan and the means to carry it out. I can’t tell you more because I don’t want to tempt fate, but…wish me luck. If you want to, of course._

_It would certainly be hard to respect a non-bender in the family. There’s just so much that people like you don’t understand. So much that you can’t do. It’s not a problem I’ve ever had to deal with since everyone in my family has always been blessed with the ability._

_To tell you the truth, though, I’m not actually very good. Another way I failed my father and his legacy. ~~Sometimes I wish~~  He thought I was defective when I was a child because I could barely produce any fire at all. My mother always had faith in me. It’s because of her that I’m any good at all._

_Uncle says I dwell too much on the negative, which is probably true. So, just to make him happy even though he has no idea I’m writing this, I’ll tell you that I am very good at sword-fighting. My father says it’s a low art, useful only because my bending is weak, but I enjoy it. It’s important to learn as much as you can to be a more flexible warrior. I mean that in terms of mind-set, but also physically. These are dangerous times for everyone, and I’ve got a history of bad luck. Mostly, it just feels good to excel at something. Anything._

_I don’t want to talk about my family anymore. I don't know why I keep writing to you. Maybe I'm bored._


	10. Sokka

_Fine with me. You don’t need to tell me more. Talking about that stuff can be depressing sometimes. Good luck with your plan. Seriously. I hope you get what you’re looking for. It’s kind of the opposite situation with us, my sister’s the only bender left from our village. I always thought it was just a waste of time but I’m beginning to see how useful it can be. I’m no use against a fire bender, and she’s helped save my ass more times than I can count. I ~~feel so powerless~~  I’m much more of a weapons guy myself. I’m pretty good with a boomerang, not as good with the machete, and then there’s hunting weapons, like spears and harpoons. I’ve never used a sword before, but I’d like to learn. I bet you're really good, the way you talk about it. Unfortunately, with all the men from our village gone and us on the move, I just can’t see myself finding a master any time soon. Not that this is something my sister and our friend have to worry about. We’re actually traveling specifically to find them a master bender. Meanwhile, I might as well be invisible. You wouldn’t understand. Even mediocre bending is still something.  ~~I can’t believe I’m writing to a firebender~~. But I bet if your uncle read the letters I’ve been writing he’d tell me to be more positive too, so how about I say instead that I’ll try to find a master when we  finally get where we’re going, and then I can give Prince Jerkbender a run for his money. I wouldn’t want to bend anyway, it seems really dangerous and more trouble than it’s worth._

_S._


	11. Zuko

_Firebending is dangerous. But at the same time, it’s the most incredible feeling in the world when all that energy builds up inside you…it’s like, well, I’m sure you can guess. Firebending doesn’t just involve the element of fire, but heat too — you can alter its flow and push it around your body, even move it to the body of another. It’s all about focus and breath. I forget that sometimes because I’m usually so angry, even furious, when I bend that I just stop thinking altogether. It still feels really good, though. Without thought, everything becomes sensation, every breath a new surge of heat and power and the irresistible urge to release.  Anger and pleasure are two sides of the same coin. At least for me.  ~~I wish I could show you what I mean~~_

_I’m not sure why I wrote all that. I wouldn’t have if I knew who you were, I’m much more ~~embarrassed~~ reserved in person. For a lot of reasons, but also because my family is very high-ranking, as you may have guessed, and it's not often I have the chance to talk to someone who doesn't already know me. Or at least know of me. _

_Enough about me. I hope you find a sword-fighting master soon. I’m sure you will. ~~If you’re ever in the Fire Nation~~. The Earth Kingdom can’t be  completely useless. No offence. Boomerangs are rare in the Earth Kingdom, are they not? I've only seen one in action a few times, but it certainly made an impression. _

_Uncle has, in fact, been asking after my “secret friend.” Those are his words, not mine. I wish there was some way I could convince him that I’m an adult, and don’t need someone nosing into my personal life all the time. Still, if I could bring myself to gratify his curiosity, I’d tell him what you said. I’m sure he’d be pleased._

_Is your sister at all suspicious who you’re writing to? She must be, not that there’s anything to be suspicious about, but—_

~~_Who is Prince Jerkbender??_ ~~

_This whole letter is a mess. I haven’t been sleeping well. Days are frantic, at night I fall deeper and deeper into my own thoughts. I’m trying to make my plan a success but things keep slipping between my fingers. I can’t bear another failure. No, that’s not true. I can bear anything fate tosses my way. But it gets harder every time to keep standing up after I’ve fallen down._

_Maybe I won’t send this to you at all. Or I’ll rise tomorrow morning to discover that this whole time I’ve been writing only for myself._

_By the way, if you are real, ~~my far-away friend,~~ my weapon of choice is the double broadsword. _


	12. Sokka

_I’m sorry it took so long to write back to you. Things have been crazy lately. And I guess I didn’t really know what to say. I am a guy, you realize that, right? But maybe these are the kinds of things guys talk about with each other. I don’t actually have any male friends my own age. The friend I’m traveling with doesn’t count, he’s got a huge disgusting crush on my sister and clams up whenever the subject comes to…well, you know. I thought a lot about what you wrote, ~~maybe too much~~.  I had no idea firebending could be used to make people feel good. So far I’ve only seen it used for destruction. Did someone teach you all that stuff about heat and breath? I guess I’m a little jealous of benders now, after what you wrote. As if I wasn't already. For me, when I’m…anyway, the feeling doesn't extend past my own body. I can’t make it bigger than myself, I can’t make it  do things. It’s just trapped inside me, making me think stupid things. And if I do manage to, you know, get it out, I still don’t feel satisfied. But you really don’t need to know any of that. This anonymity thing is pretty great, I won’t lie. People generally think I haven’t got much going on upstairs, but that’s just because I have a hard time expressing myself in person. I get awkward and crack stupid jokes and before I know it, the moment has passed. So, thank you. I guess. For being eyes instead of ears. I hope things have calmed down on your end and your get-home-soon plan is working out. And that this letter proves I’m real and not some figment of your imagination. I like to think I’m a pretty reliable person in general. So, I guess what I’m trying to say here is: you can rely on me to be real. I haven’t been getting much sleep either, but that’s mostly because we’ve been on the run for the past few days. And now that I have a chance to rest I just can’t, for some reason. I’ve got a lot on my mind. My sister is suspicious. She knows someone’s been stealing her paper. But it’s our friend who’s the most worried.  ~~I think he might already know~~. They certainly don’t know where you’re from. I’m not  stupid. Anyway, it’s probably better if we don’t share too much about ourselves. So much has happened to me recently, though, that it’s weird you don’t know any of it. Today, for instance, I nearly died. But that’s nothing compared to what happened earlier this week. I haven’t told anyone and I wasn’t going to tell you, but I can’t stop thinking about it and turning it over in my mind again and again. Maybe getting it off my chest will help. A few nights ago there was this vengeful forest spirit and I thought I could help our friend fight him, but instead I got captured and trapped in the spirit world for twenty-four hours. The spirit dumped me into this weird canyon filled with a fog so dense I couldn’t see anything but white, everywhere white. I tried to escape but instead my mind started to wander and I saw my worst fears like they were real, like they were the only real thing in the whole world, and the only thoughts I had were the worst thoughts I’ve ever had, one after another. There was this voice inside me questioning everything I believe in about myself and other people. I know I tell myself a lot of lies just to get by, but I guess I didn’t realize just how many until then…and that they could be so easily undone. Funny, how fragile our self-worth really is. I didn’t think I was going to get out. By the end, I didn’t even care. But then, and this is the incredible part, the one person I hate most in the world appeared again, only this time he wasn’t trying to attack me. He smiled and said something like “Your friend will be expecting a reply soon.” He must have meant you. I guess I just…came alive again. The next moment, I was back in the real world, and everything was over. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, but I guess I just want you to know that there’s always hope, no matter what. Even if I’m having a hard time believing it just now. _

_S._


	13. Zuko

_I didn’t think you were going to write back. I don’t know what it says about you that you did. But I refuse to keep asking about your motives.  ~~None of this makes any sense at all.~~_

_My uncle has been training me since I ~~was banished~~  left home, and he taught me about the importance of breath. Most proficient benders can heat things up using breath of fire. But I figured out the rest of it on my own. I’ve spent a lot of time alone, waiting for things to happen these past three years, and I needed something to take the edge off. It almost works._

_I don’t really have any friends my age. No girlfriend either. ~~I’m not really interested in~~ I used to have my sister’s friends, but I haven’t seen them since I left home. And they were all girls anyway._

_I know you’re real. That was just a bad night._

_Uncle says what you described sounds like the Fog of Lost Souls. Apparently it’s a spirit-prison for humans. Almost no one ever gets out because the fog is itself a spirit which poisons your mind and imprisons you in your own worst memories and deepest fears. The longer you stay there, the less likely you are to escape or even remember that there’s another world to escape to. I hope you aren’t mad that I told him; he traveled to the Spirit World a lot after his son died, and is very knowledgeable. I thought it might help to know what exactly had happened. For instance, even if you do tell yourself a lot of lies, they might not all be lies…maybe some of the things you tell yourself are true, more true than your fears, but the spirit-fog was just feeding on fear and twisting your mind…I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I guess you never really know what's a lie and what isn't, you just keep going. _

_Uncle says you should reflect on your experiences through meditation. It’s not what I would do, but then, I’ve always had a hard time meditating ~~even though I try really hard~~. Even if you don’t take his advice, I’ll tell him you did. He’ll be glad._

_I’m trying to make amends, another thing I’m not very good at, after upsetting him yesterday. Before you ask what I did and we waste more time between letters, I’ll tell you. I got some bad news and didn’t handle it well, as usual. So I set my room on fire while meditating and forgot to put it out before I fell asleep. Someone smelled the smoke and called my uncle. I’m completely fine, of course. But Uncle thought I’d tried to, well, do something stupid. Which I guess I did. But not in the way he thinks. Anyway, I didn’t mean to cause any damage to the ~~ship~~  house, and I didn’t mean to upset him. I was just having a hard time calming down and let my fire get away from me. That’s all._

_Ever since, he’s been trying to get me out of the shi house to accompany him on random, pointless errands. I don’t understand why he doesn’t respect my wish to be left alone. Does he really think spending time in one shitty port-town after another will make me feel better? I lost another chance to go home today. Nothing is going to make me feel better. He’s an idiot._

_Sometimes I forget I’m writing to someone and not just writing.  ~~I wish I could stop~~_


	14. Sokka

_I thought we went through the whole why-are-you-writing-to-me thing. We’re friends, right? Why would I stop? Writing to you keeps me sane. There. I’ve said it. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to ask you something. I heard people actually believe the Fire Lord and his family are descended from the god of fire. Is that true? Where I come from, we’re all children of the union between sea and sky, so it seems kind of weird. But it does explain why the army keeps fighting for the Fire Lord  ~~even though it’s obvious the war is wrong~~ We’re staying with some members of the Earth Kingdom resistance right now. My sister is totally taken in by their leader, but I don’t trust him. I think there’s something he’s not telling us. You know, I’ve never been afraid of “our side” before. I always assumed no one could be worse than the Fire Nation, but now I’m not sure so sure. I can’t see them as monsters anymore, just people. I blame you. Well, not entirely. I saved the prince’s life a while back, and I think he tried to save mine. It’s hard to tell. Things have been complicated lately. My sister wants revenge for what happened to our mother. All I want is to make sure it never happens to anyone ever again. I’m tired of dreaming that there’s something I could do to make her come back. For both my parents to come back. Sometimes I think if I had someone, this would all be easier. A friend. Or maybe more than a friend. I’ve never even kissed a girl. And the only girl who’s ever seemed interested in me just liked to beat me up.  ~~Not that I was complaining about it at the time~~. It’s lonely, travelling.  ~~I wish you were~~ Today wasn’t the best day I’ve ever had. It started out fine, but you know how things go when they go wrong…Speaking of, I’m sorry you’re not doing well either. I wish I could help somehow, but there isn’t much I can do from here. That’s always my problem; I want to fix things. I learned the hard way with my sister that it’s not always appreciated, but I hope you’ll take it the way I mean it. Not as pity. Just…I don’t know. I care, I guess. Yeah. I care. And I want you to succeed. I hope you do succeed. I hope you get back home. And I hope whatever’s waiting for you there is just what you were looking for. Well, I think I’ve embarrassed myself enough for tonight. One last thing: I know you crossed it out and all, but what did you mean, you’re ‘not really interested in…’? You don’t have to tell me. I’m just curious._

_S._


	15. Zuko

_Of course you would ask me. I’m probably the only person from the Fire Nation you’ve ever bothered to talk to. ~~You seriously have no idea who I am, do you~~  I’m surprised you didn’t already know, I thought it was common knowledge. Yes, the royal family is descended from Agni. Fire Lord Ozai is Agni-on-earth—a living god—worthy of absolute devotion and loyalty. Our army would fight to the death for him rather than face dishonor. If you hoped this information would give you some kind of advantage, you were wrong. The war will only end when the Fire Nation is victorious. There is no other way. Too much is at stake for us to be able to lose without destroying ourselves in the process. Even you must be able to see that._

_Uncertainty isn’t an option for me. ~~Even if~~ I I’d rather take my own life than betray  ~~my father~~  my people  ~~again~~. Like everyone else, I have a part to play in this war. And in exchange for playing my part well, I get to return home with my honor restored.  Nothing is more important than that. Not a girlfriend, or my uncle’s foolish dreams, or — look, it’s easy for you to say you care about my fate when you don’t actually know who I am. But if you had the choice between remaining my friend and winning the war for your side, I know what you would choose. Don’t deny it. I’d choose the same thing._

_So where does that leave us? I wish I knew._

_The more we write, the more I find you surprisingly difficult to understand, like I’m missing something. Like I'm waiting for the punchline to a terrible joke._

_I should really stop rambling, but I’ve got four more hours before sunrise and nothing to fill them with. So, back to your previous question about Agni. Would you like me to tell you how it all began? Every child in the Fire Nation, even in the colonies, knows the story, and some —but not all— of it should be familiar to you too._

_In the beginning there was the sun and the moon; man and woman, husband and wife. From them came twins, two brothers: water and fire—Agni. The sun and moon fought and reconciled many times, for their temperaments were both alike and unlike, but eventually the other gods grew tired of their quarreling and they were separated into night and day. Water joined his mother in night and the cycle of tides, while Agni joined his father in day and the cycle of seasons._

_At this time, humans were created out of clay, and the wind breathed life into them. All lived in harmony for many ages until the eternal battle between the two Great Spirits caused the boundary between our world and the spirit world to be broken. Spirits poured into our world, and humans lived in great fear of attack, closed in on all sides by dangerous spirit wilds._

_One day, a sage went to Agni’s temple and prayed and burnt offerings that the strife might end. The sage’s prayers were answered when a young man climbed out of the sacred fire, Agni’s son. Born of fire, he shone with all the glory of his grandfather the Sun. He was rightfully accepted as the leader of all fire-worshipers and brought peace to the world by sending away the worshipers of water, earth, and air to the distant corners of the world to seek protection from the lion turtles. From then on, it has been the responsibility of the descendants of Agni—the Fire Nation royal family—to lead their people to their true glory and destiny as rulers of the world._

_You’re right to be wary of the resistance fighters—sometimes desperation makes people do things they otherwise wouldn't. Or it twists them until they’re different. Unrecognizable. ~~I wonder if the people I knew back home would~~ The Earth Kingdom isn’t as innocent and good as they make themselves out to be. Uncle has told me stories you wouldn’t believe…maybe I’ll write them down for you another time. Meanwhile, stay safe. And don’t take this to mean more than it does, but I admit…it’s nice having someone to talk to. There haven’t been a lot of nice things in my life for a long time._

 

_I almost forgot : the idea behind crossing something out until it’s illegible is that it deters people like you from trying to read it anyway. I don’t want to talk about it._


	16. Sokka

_Look, I’m not going to say you’re right and my side is doomed to failure, no matter what you tell me about loyalty and divine right and devotion. But I admit I had no idea things were so complicated in the Fire Nation. It’s not like that at all where I’m from. Our leaders are chosen based on their ability to rule, and how much people trust them to do the right thing. Isn’t that how things should be? Well, except that all my people’s leaders are off fighting the war or dead. Let’s not talk about this anymore. It just makes me angry. You too, probably. You’re right about one thing though, I’ve never really talked to anyone from the Fire Nation besides you. But I did rescue a Fire Nation encampment from the Freedom Fighters a few days ago, that has to count for something, right? I just thought about how you could be anyone, in any Fire Nation town or colony, and I’d never know. How would I feel if I’d unintentionally condemned you to death because I didn’t stop someone when I should have? Even if none of the soldiers were you, what if they were someone else’s friend, or boyfriend, or brother, or…you get what I mean. I know you’ll tell me I’m being stupid. That my letters are some kind of terrible joke, if I’m quoting you right. But I mean it. There’s no choice to make. I’ll be your friend no matter who you turn out to be. That doesn’t mean I’m a traitor, though. I’m not going to blindly follow a leader who doesn’t have my best interests at heart, and I don’t think anyone should, so I’m going to fight for as long as it takes for that to be true. At the same time, my worst nightmare (well, one of them…) is waking up one day and realizing I’ve become the thing I hate. So if there’s a way to fight with…I don’t know what word I’m looking for exactly. Compassion, maybe. Yeah. If there’s a way to fight with compassion I’m going to do it. I hope you get a chance to do the same thing at some point, so you can have all the things that seem less important right now. You deserve them. I mean, everyone does. Of course. Thanks for the story, it was interesting. I know about the moon and water goddesses splitting off from the sun and fire, but the rest was new. I guess it does kind of explain why  ~~Prince Z~~ certain members of the royal family act the way they do. Another question, though. Do you know what happened with the crown prince? Why has he been banished? You don’t need to answer if you don’t know. No pressure. I should probably stop using you to get information about the Fire Nation, but I’m sure you’ll stop writing if you really mind being asked. Things are good with me. We’re making progress in our trip, so I’m pretty happy. Starting to run out of food, though. You should definitely tell me your uncle’s stories about the Earth Kingdom. Until this year I hadn’t travelled at all so there’s a lot that I don’t know.  ~~How did you know I’m not actually from the~~ Anyway, I’m glad you like writing to me. I like writing to you too.  ~~I wish there was some way we could meet~~  I’m going to stop now before I say anything even stupider. Hope you’re doing okay. Get some sleep, if you can._

_S._

 


	17. Sokka

[Written but not sent - instead, stolen from his cell] 

_I know you’ll never get this and it isn’t my turn to write anyway, you still haven’t written back to me (and I’m afraid that if you do, Hawky will get intercepted), but things kind of took a turn for the worse lately and I thought you might want to know what was going on. I know it’s stupid and pointless but just pretend. Spirits, I don’t know why I’m so defensive, it’s not like you’ll ever actually say that to me. Well, you would if you got this. I wish you wouldn’t. Make fun of me, I mean. I already know I can be too much to handle, I know I’m invasive and demanding and…Okay, moving on. A few days ago, there was a terrible storm. More of a typhoon really. Did you get it where you are, too? Anyway, I got captured by Prince Jerkbender of the Fire Nation, three guesses who that is. It could be worse, I guess. Some lightening damaged the engines (and the kitchen—I still don’t think the cook’s recovered, he keeps making me the blandest food ever. I’m so confused, I thought Fire Nation food was supposed to be spicy?) and you-know-who hurt his arm somehow, I think. Not sure on that one. Doesn’t matter. For the most part, I’m treated pretty well—for a prisoner. There’s a guard who doesn’t like me much, and a guard who does. It works out. But otherwise I’m alone for most of the day and that’s when things get bad…I can’t stop thinking about the spirit world. I thought I was over it, I was sure I was over it, but it keeps coming back. I thought that was the worst things could get, but I forgot how walls close in on you until you can’t breathe anymore and you think you’re gonna die, trapped in a little iron room in the middle of the sea, suffocated by loneliness and fear. I know this all sounds pretty overdramatic here, but I’m being serious. I wish you would take me seriously. No one ever does. You know, it’s so much easier to write to you when I don’t have to worry about what you would say in response. I wonder if it’s like that for you too. No, probably not. You only write when you’ve run out of anything else to do. Well, I’ve run out of things to do too. I don’t even know what time of day it is, without a window. Funny how everything that seems solid and good can disappear in an instant. I’m not even a waterbender but I miss the moon something fierce. There’s nothing to do but think in here. That’s probably why it reminds me of the spirit world. It’s so easy to lose hope.  Let’s pretend you’re curious how this all happened. I was going out on a fishing boat to make a little money so we could eat. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision. I knew the storm was coming but it just didn’t seem important at the time. I regret my decision now. I’m never usually that careless, but I was hungry, and my sister and our friend were hungry, and I just didn’t see any other way to solve the problem. Trapped in here, though, I’m even more useless than before. You know how much I hate that. I’m just glad they let me write. Not to you—they don’t know about you (unless Hawky has tried to find me…)—but they probably wouldn’t care then either.  It's not like this will ever get sent, and the chances of you coming to rescue me are basically zero. No offence. I guess I could have tried to write to my sister, but that letter never would have made it off this ship even if I'd tried. But to be honest—and I can be honest here, can’t I? I need to keep reminding myself that. To be honest, you’re the only person I even want to talk to right now. Of course I want to see my sister— but she doesn’t really know what to say. We used up all our words when our mother died. She needs me to be easy to understand, so I make sure I’m easy to understand. Is it sad that you probably know more about me than she does right now? And you don’t even know my name. I think. I hope.  My sister and our friend will come for me. I know they will. I just wish they’d hurry up about it. Until then, I have you. Who are you, anyway? Well, nevermind. I already told you it wouldn't matter to me, and I meant that.  I bet this is how you feel when you’re staring down the night, waiting for it to pass. All those empty hours. Makes your brain go kind of funny. I seriously have no idea what time it is. I got fed a little while ago, and then the prince came in to insult me, so maybe it’s afternoon or evening?  ~~He looked tired, but I kind of think he always looks tired. Forgot he’s gonna read this oops~~  I’m lucky to have ended up here, really. The storm might have killed me if I’d been out in it even a minute or two longer. I’d be more grateful if I weren’t a prisoner. At least I get food and blankets and a bed, even though I’ve been cold for two days straight. My sister would slap me if she knew I’d worn wet clothing and got sick because of it. Then she’d make some of mom’s healing soup, and apologize for slapping me, and tell me stories about home and our lives before, until we’re both laughing and crying (a little, and only her). Not that I’m sick. Just…maybe I’m getting sick? Possibly? I've been cold all day and...whatever. Either I get sick or I don’t. There’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m not (very) worried. I hope you’re not worried, either. Although I don’t know why you would be since you don’t know what’s happened. Okay, actually, I hope you do worry about me. Even just a bit. Spirits, I’m pathetic. At least you’ll never see this. This whole letter is just a waste of paper, I don’t feel any better. Well, not a lot better. But it was stupid to think this would be enough. I wish you were here. I wish I knew what your voice sounded like. I wish I knew what you looked like. Letters just aren’t enough. I really really hope I’m not the only one who thinks that._


	18. Zuko

_It’s been a while since your last letter. I would say I’ve been busy, but that’s not a good excuse. Even I can’t find something to fill every hour of the day with. The truth is I’ve been angry at you and every time I started to write this letter, it came out all wrong. This version isn’t going to be much better. I’ve got a lot on my mind._

_I am was angry because you make things sound so easy when they aren’t. They can’t be. You say you want me to have the things that make life “normal.” You seem to think that I’d feel better if I had them. But you don’t understand, I don’t want them. The only thing that matters to me is  ~~captur~~  going home again. After I was banished, everything just fell away. Now I can barely sleep and food tastes like ash. I spend all day training, losing myself in fire, pushing my strength to its limits until I’m so exhausted I can barely walk. I have no friends, no girlfriend, and no use for compassion. It wasn’t shown to me and I’m doing fine. I needed to be taught the hard way, otherwise I never would have learned. This is what my life should be like. This what I want. This is the only thing that will save me._

_You’re so certain about what lies ahead. I guess I am too. I mean, I know what I have to do, and I know how to do it, but I wish it didn’t involve hurting people ~~I care~~ I care about. Agni, what am I even trying to say? Forget everything I’ve written, I begged for compassion the day I was banished. It was weak of me, I know that, but I still wanted it. I’d have given anything. My whole life is such a lie and I’m not fooling anyone. You know I’m doing terribly, you know how much I hate this and want it to end, and you care and it fucking kills me that I —_

_Have you ever messed up so badly you can’t imagine anyone in their right mind would forgive you? I bet you haven’t. You’re a good son, a good brother, a good friend. I know you’re afraid of letting people down, but unlike me you haven’t. No matter what you might think, it’s obvious that you haven’t. You’re so—I hate you sometimes, you know that? I tell myself at least you’re not a bender, at least I have that one thing for myself, and it does make me feel better. Until I remember that if you ever met my sister, you’d see what true fire really looks like, and then you’d know. You’d know how much of a failure I am, and you’d never want to —_

_I think about you all the time and it’s driving me crazy. No matter how hard I try to concentrate and clear my mind, you’re there. When I’m training, when I’m meditating, when I’m traveling, or talking to the ~~crew~~  staff. When Uncle tries to lecture me about his stupid Pai Sho game, or when I’m lying awake at night, or when I’m [heavily crossed out]. I worry when you don’t write back. It’s pathetic and inconvenient and too much, way too much. But don’t ever think you’re too much for me or anyone else to handle because I’m the same or actually worse, I’m so much worse, I’m a fucking mess, falling apart throughout the day just to put myself back together in the morning with the sunrise. You were right, in the beginning. We are similar, in ways I could never have predicted._

_This is the first letter I’ve written to you while it’s still light out. I do usually write to you at the end of the day ~~but that’s not because you’re less important than~~ but that’s because it’s lonely at night. There’s nothing to do and no one around besides the night watch, and they hate it when I come up to bother them. I’m usually too tired to concentrate on studying or planning so my mind starts to wander to places I don’t want it to go. The more I think, the worse I feel, until sleep is impossible. That’s when I usually write to you. So long as I’m putting my thoughts to paper maybe they won’t get so tangled up, maybe I won’t get as overwhelmed. I’m never quite sure if you’re a dream or if you’re real, which makes everything easier. Even when I don’t have a letter to write, I still think of you, wondering if in another world, we’d be able to talk face-to-face. What your voice would sound like. I wonder whether, if you knew my name and you had a choice, you would still chose me. I think about that one a lot. I guess I just wish you were here with me for real._

_I can’t afford this kind of distraction, I don’t have time for it. I have to — this is so stupid. I’d stop if I could. All of it. I’m betraying my people, my father, and myself for the sake of a friendship that shouldn’t have started in the first place, but I couldn’t stop writing back if I tried. And I hate you a little bit for that too._

_No. I didn’t mean that. I don’t hate you. It’s just…I don’t know how to be anyone’s friend, okay? But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to, that I’m not trying. No one’s ever wanted to get to know me as much as you have and it’s hard to wrap my head around. You have to understand that I’m not usually very well-liked, so it comes as a surprise that you seem to like me. If you don’t, if I misunderstood, tell me. I’d understand if you didn’t feel the — if this disaster of a letter isn’t something you want to read. Just tell me so I don’t end up humiliating myself even more._

_Agni, this letter isn’t what I hoped it would be. I thought — I don’t know. I thought I could try to be optimistic for once. Tell you that things will be alright. That you’re strong, and brave, and you’ll make it through no matter what happens. That your friend and your sister are probably very grateful for all the things you do to protect them. I know things aren’t easy for you either, but all I seem to be able to do is complain. ~~I don’t deserve~~  you deserve better._

_I’ll save the story of Prince Zuko’s banishment for another letter, although I’m surprised you don’t already know it. In the meantime, take care of yourself and write me back soon, even if just to say you never want to write again._


	19. Sokka

_Thanks for the letter, I guess…It came at kind of a bad time, and I'm still not sure what exactly I want to say in response. Before I try, though, I wanted to tell you that you haven’t misunderstood anything I’ve written. I like you. I do. I want to hear (or read, I guess…) everything you have to say even if it’s not pleasant. I just—aagh. I don’t know how to say what I’m thinking, I’m not even sure what it is I’m thinking in the first place. Okay. Start again. I just really like you. This past week was pretty rough. And confusing, and terrifying. I got captured, and then I got sick. I wrote you a letter but it got taken away from me. It’s probably better that you don’t have a chance to read it anyway, it was mostly full of whining and self-pity. See? Another thing we have in common. You said I deserve better but I don’t—I deserve exactly what I have, and I hope—ha,  you can probably only imagine what my rambling is like in real life, if it’s this bad on paper—I hope I have you. Is that something I’m allowed to say? I don’t even know if I mean it or not—no, scratch that, I mean it. Just. This is all new to me. Despite what I’d like my sister to think, I’m just a kid from the backwaters who never left his village until a few months ago and I don’t know shit about the world, no matter what I pretend. And I don’t know shit about…this. Whatever it is. I do know that it really sucked, reading that you felt so bad when I couldn’t even tell you I was sorry. I wish I could have been with you, then. I wish I were with you now. It doesn’t matter where you are, in the Fire Nation or the colonies or whatever, I’d be there if I could. I’d keep you from getting lost in your thoughts. If I could. I know there’s not much I can do, and you’ve never asked me for help, but I’d like to help anyway. You mean a lot to me. And if I did anything to make you hate me, I’m sorry, okay? I know you said you didn’t mean it but part of me thinks you do, and that—that’s the last thing I want. But please don’t hate me for this idea you have of me in your head that isn’t even true. It’s not my fault you keep writing to me, and—whatever you might think, and I don’t know where you got this idea, I’m not that great of a person either. I’ve done things I’m not proud of and hurt people. When the friend we’re travelling with first came to our village, I thought he was a Fire Nations spy, and decided to banish him. He would have died out there without any food or shelter. My sister wanted to go with him, and I forced her to choose between him and her family, her people, her home. It wasn’t a fair choice, and I was wrong to judge him so quickly. Everything worked out in the end, but I was willing to cut her out of my life if she made what I thought was the wrong decision. You see? I’m stubborn and narrow-minded and selfish. But I would also sacrifice everything I have, even give my life, to help the people I love if I thought it was the right thing to do. What I’m trying to say is that no one is entirely good or entirely bad. I mean, besides a few obvious exceptions. Well, obvious to me, anyway. I guess I wanted to ask: are you actually learning anything from being in exile? Or are you just suffering for the sake of suffering? Cause that’s what it looks like to me. No offence. I'm one to talk, though. Today my sister made us visit a fortuneteller (you can imagine my excitement), who told me that my life will be, direct quote, “full of struggle and anguish, most of it self-inflicted.” Not too inspiring, I have to say. Of course, everyone laughed, but I hope—I don’t believe in this stuff at all, just to make that clear—I hope she’s wrong. I really, really hope she’s wrong. Because underneath all the obligations I have to my sister and our friend and my father and the memory of my mother and my tribe and the world, I just want to be happy. It’s such a little thing, but it’s hard. I want you to be happy too, however that happens. I know you’ll probably say it’s just another one of those things you don’t have time for, but…isn’t that what you’re working towards anyway? Or have you not asked yourself that question yet. After getting your father’s approval and going home, then what happens? I hope at some point you’ll have time ~~for me~~  other things. Things that make life worth living. Don’t be too hard on yourself in the meantime. Sometimes in order to do the stuff you have to do, you need to tell yourself lies. Trust me. I know that. We all have to survive one way or another. You and I’ve both made it this far, so who’s to say we won’t make it all the way to the end? That’s what I’m hoping, at least. Anyway, my sister and our friend will be back soon, so I should probably say goodbye. Take care._

_S._


	20. Zuko

_I don’t have much time, so this will be short, but I had to reply to your last letter. I still can’t believe you wrote me back. I know I always say that, but this time I was so convinced I’d ruined everything and you’d never — you’d never want to talk to me again._

_But, as usual, you’re full of surprises. ~~I like that about you~~. I like that about you._

_It’s probably obvious you’re not the only one who doesn’t know what they’re doing. This is the first time I’ve ever[big ink splotch] Spirits, what’s wrong with me? This isn’t the first time, exactly. There was this one girl, years ago. But we barely even admitted we liked each other at the time. I’m not like you. I can’t give away words like they’re nothing._

_Do you ever think about what the repercussions of this will be? I can’t seem to stop. Then again, I’m basically a living example of the old saying that actions have consequences. It’s just so hard to believe you said all those things to me even after I — I guess I’m worrying wondering if you’re trying to pretend you still don’t know the truth._

_I hope not. I don’t want to be another lie you tell yourself. So tell me that I’m not. Tell me my name. I need you to. Please, Sokka._


	21. Sokka

[Written but never sent] 

_Despite what you think, I do mean everything I say and everything I’ve said to you. It’s not that I don’t think about consequences, I’m not an idiot, I just—this is more important to me than—I guess I think the risk is worth it. Do you? Well, I guess you do, or else you wouldn’t keep writing. I wish I could see you right now and we could go somewhere, just the two of us, where the war doesn’t exist, where we could talk or fool around or whatever. I’m embarrassing myself just writing this, but I wanted to let you know that, uh. I’m interested. In that. If you are. Anyway. Thank you for giving back our mom’s necklace. My sister was feeling really lost without it. Especially since we were going to visit my dad today, but then decided not to go. It was a hard choice. But leaving wouldn’t have been the right thing to do. I guess it’s just been a weird couple of days. We ran into a friend of our dad’s yesterday. He’s—well, kind of my dad’s boyfriend, I guess? Which was a lot to take in, let me assure you. So many childhood memories to rewrite. It’s a long story, though, so I’ll tell you some other time. Either way, it was great to be around someone from home. I mean, he’s known me and my sister since we were born. But it also made me miss everything so much more. The longer I’m away the more I understand what you’re going through. And you’re right, it really sucks. You deserve your father’s forgiveness, you deserve to go home. You deserve everything good in the world, and I wish there was a way I could give it to you or help you somehow without putting anyone else I care about in danger. It’s so weird talking to you about this stuff, now that I know who you are.  Oh, also, something happened today that you should probably know about.  ~~Aang  The Ava~~ The friend I’m travelling with hid an important piece of information from me and my sister, and when we were arguing about it, he tried to tell my sister about the letters. These letters. I was so scared he was going to ruin everything that I said some things I really didn’t mean and ended up almost leaving him behind. We made up later, but I guess I’m still a little mad. Or, well, a lot mad. He knows how important this is to me. I explained that to him the first time he caught me about writing to someone. But I just found out today that he knows it’s you. I have no idea how. I swear I didn’t tell him. So yeah. I’m just really hoping he doesn’t say anything else about it. Because I don’t want this to stop, not now. I don’t know if I could take losing you. And don’t think for a second I’m in denial about who you are. It was hard to come to terms with at first, yeah, and there’s still some stuff we have to talk about, at some point—like that whole time I was on the ship and you were lying to me—but I know it’s you. I know you’re Prince Zuko of the Fire Nation. And, spirits, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but that makes everything better. Because I know you and the way your voice sounds and how warm your skin is, I don’t have to keep dreaming about someone I thought I’d never get a chance to meet. It feels good being able to finally say all this stuff. Hope you feel the same way. Hope you're doing okay, too. Write me back soon! _

_Sokka_


	22. Sokka

_I had a different letter all written out, but after what happened today, I can’t send it to you. I’m writing to tell you I can’t do this anymore. You turned on me in the one moment we had to be together, just the two of us, right when I started thinking we had a real chance. You ruined everything. And yeah, maybe I ruined things too, but I’m not sorry I lied. I need to keep Aang and my sister safe. That’s more important than anything I might  ~~feel~~  have felt for you. I know you’re in a tough situation, but guess what, I am too, and it doesn’t make me act like a total asshole to you. I can’t keep doing this to myself, always making excuses for you in my head. I guess it’s finally hit me that we’re not just on opposite sides of the war, we are the opposite sides. Even so, I thought we could make it work but you showed me we can’t. Thanks for that. I especially appreciated getting burned. Spirits, this was all so much easier when I didn’t know who you were. And I know it makes me a liar and a coward and a terrible person for backing out now when I said so many things I can never take back. But I guess I’ll just have to live with that. Don’t write to me anymore._

_S._


End file.
